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Columns

National celebrations have kept me busy this summer

I don’t know about you, but I’m totally hooked on days that celebrate something you wouldn’t ordinarily have thought about.

Take the third Monday in July. Normally, since I’m on vacation from teaching, I’d wake up, make coffee, write half the day, then go to movies the second half, while stuffing myself with food in between paragraphs and cineplex adventures.

However, because it was designated Get Out of the Doghouse Day, I vacuumed, polished silver, bought my wife a new necklace, and made a reservation at Geneva’s Gia Mia (Mama Mia’s sister?).

Good thing that day pops up only once a year.

Those travails had me anticipating July 21, National Junk Food Day. I sloughed off my usual gluten-free, sugar-free, taste-free diet and indulged in mega-Cokes, bleach-blonde chips, and chilidogs with extra cheese, hold the onions and pickle.

On Amelia Earhart Day, I hid from everyone (not hard when no one’s looking for you). Next day, when I showed up, perhaps I imagined it, but I think my wife looked disappointed.

National Avocado Day, July 31, was just another typical day for me, as avocados play an integral part of my daily routine. What’s not to like? If Eve had tempted Adam with chips and guacamole, surely God would have forgiven His first-born for disobedience.

On August 5, National Underwear Day, I changed briefs or jockeys every hour or so to pay homage to the comfort they offer the other 364 days of the year. Coincidentally, the same day happened to be Work Like a Dog Day, so I imitated the way our dog works, lying on the family room couch 24-7, except when I got down on my hands and knees to eat out of a bowl my wife brought over.

Next day, Root Beer Float Day, I did drive-thru A&W all day, simultaneously observing Wiggling My Toes Day which, with my bunions, was no small feat (ha-ha).

I got into trouble on August 8, Sneak Some Zucchini onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Day. My neighbor, Mr. Columbine, H.R. manager for Tools for Fools, Inc., mistook me for a burglar and hit me with a MAMA lawn sign (“Make America Monarchic Again”) before I could offer up the veggie.

Thank goodness the cardboard taste left in my mouth was flushed out on August 9 by my favorite day, National Book Lovers Day. To celebrate, I moved up the August 13 Prosecco and Filet Mignon Day, plus the August 16 Tell a Joke Day. I sat reading my favorite books while sipping the bubbly, chowing down on a rare steak, and emailing out my favorite joke:

“Why’d the chicken cross the road? Because he couldn’t bring himself to vote for Hillary.”

Right now I’m preparing for National I LOVE My Feet Day, August 17, when I’ll give my feet the gift of weightlessness by lying in a hammock, and spoiling them with Kerasal Intensive Foot Repair Exfoliating Foot Moisturizer. I call it the Feast of All Soles. For them, it’s a religious experience.

• Rick Holinger lives in Geneva, teaches at Marmion Academy, and facilitates Geneva library’s writing workshop. His fiction, essays, and poetry have appeared in numerous literary journals. Contact him at editorial@kcchronicle.com.

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